i. am. BACK.
my lovely and wonderful big sis, vanessa, told me a few weeks ago that she missed my blogs. the truth is i haven't written since i finished my mission because i haven't been happy since i finished my mission. (don't feel bad for me. don't worry about me. don't talk about me with your souse. don't ask if you can do anything to help.) but the truth is, i have missed writing. and i think it would be healthy for me to do more of it.
leaving the mission field was the second hardest thing that's ever happened to me. (the winner of worst experience of my life award happened 18 months later and will be discussed in detail shortly) i never understood why RM's were so weird until i went through it.
here's what happens when you finish your mission:
- you are forced to leave a beautiful foreign country.
- you have to speak english. and you have to talk about something other than the gospel.
- you leave people who have changed your life.
- you have to plan your life. it's not done for you.
- you think about yourself and what YOU want and what YOU want to become.
- you wonder what your life has even amounted to.
- you have no clue who you are anymore because you lost yourself in the service.
- you miss desperately the one worthwhile activity you have ever participated in.
- you spend 18 months figuring out how to be a missionary and once you do, it's taken away from you. like a lollipop from a kid.
when i got back from my mission, i had no school to attend, no job to perform, no boyfriend to marry, my family moved, my city was no longer my city, i had gained 30 lbs, and i had no direction at all. just faint, ghosty dreams of becoming an architect.
when my parents needed another employee at their office, i took the job. i love my parents and i couldn't not help them when they have done everything for me. i enjoyed my job at the office immensely. i even considered dentistry for a while!
when i started dating karim against my better judgement everything started to badly. he brought a very negative light into my life, but i wanted to be fair and give him a chance. i tried to assume the good and doubt the bad. but the darkness he brought into my life spread slowly like a fog. until the time we decided to get married. i had a very good and very positive spiritual experience confirming that there was more for us. of course the feeling that there was more never said that it was marriage. i did everything i could to convince every person i know that he was good and he was the one for me. it worked for a while.
then i quit my job at the office and moved to italy and ireland to start our life together. his behavior was out of control unacceptable at this point. i was trying to figure out a way out, but i didn't want to give up on him. i knew there was something good inside. it was just buried really deep (still is! haha!)
when i came home and found out that he had been with another girl, most of me died. months and months i worked to convince everyone (including myself) that he was worth all of the sacrifices i was making, all the time and money i spent on him, all the love i had forced into fruition so that he could, for once in his life, feel loved and important. he threw it in the toilet, took a dump on it and flushed it all away. probably while laughing.
i still feel hurt, angry, betrayed and all the other bad things you can imagine. it's been since thanksgiving.
here's the part where i'm supposed to say BUT and then list all the wonderful things i've learned and how faith promoting this has been.
i hope you can handle the disappointment, dear reader!
i feel like what i have learned is that not all people are good, that not everyone is trustworthy. some people don't know how to treat others. some people can lie to your face while smiling. some people can weave webs with their friends and associates to keep you thinking that something is true. some people will go to great lengths to keep their dirty lives secret. and now, thanks to him, i suspect everyone of being capable of his same crimes. that's the worst part of the whole situation. that i got infected with his disease.
ok now i can give you your big BUT. :)
this experience and others have lead to a lot of reflection on the life of Christ. how would Christ have handled this situation? what would Christ say to someone who cheated on Him then lied for four months? how would Christ treat someone who treated him the way they treated me?
the answer to all of these questions (and infinite others...) is that He would show them LOVE. Christ understands the hearts of these people. He gets why they treat others like garbage and what happened in their brains to them that made them mess up to heinously.
i have thought about kindness. like was i too nice? was i too generous? why did i let myself get taken advantage of? that's probably the number one question. then i realized this and i think it's true.
people get so mad about being "taken advantage of"but think about our Exemplar. how many times was He "taken advantage of?" how many people "screwed Him over"? how many people lied to Him, hated Him, mocked Him, beat Him, spat on Him, killed Him? it kinda makes everything seem less important. not any less painful, just less consequential.
so my conclusion is this: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS SHOWING TOO MUCH LOVE. if someone takes advantage of you, it's their sin not yours. if someone doesn't treat you the way you want or deserve to be treated, it's their sin, not yours. our job is spread peace, love and charity the way Christ did. no ulterior motives, no "what's in for me?", no fear that it will be rejected, no mind whether it makes us vulnerable and we get "taken advantage of". yes, it can be painful. yes, it can be sad. but in the end, my conscience is clear. my relationship with Heavenly Father is intact. i put my heart and soul into loving someone who i thought deserved it. if my accused crime is being too loving or trying to show the pure love of Christ with all my heart, might, mind, and strength, i plead guilty.
[in closing, i repeat the warning from before: don't feel bad for me. don't worry about me. don't talk about me with your souse. don't ask if you can do anything to help. someone upstairs got dis wigga's back.]
today i tried to: leave the house before sunset
today i congratulated: the guy on the treadmill next to me for finishing a 10 minute mile
today i bought: the biggest container of ice cream that wal-mart sells
today i started: over