Sunday, November 2, 2014

a new life

friday night october 31, 2014, roody and i were in my car. we had just left my parents' house and were on the way to way to our beloved little apartment. i looked over at roody and frowned, "tomorrow we are back to real life."
"but it's a new life," and he smiled.

we've been married for about 10 days and the thing i can say is everything changes. life is completely different, and it all happened with one word. the change is mostly for the better. [the hard part is that my life is no longer mine. and it was mine alone for 26 years. i have always been against people marrying too young, but i'm beginning to see a *possible* advantage ;) ] since i was in young women's i dreamed of being the wife who cooked delicious meals and kept meticulous budgets and deep cleaned the house everyday while my husband was at work. those fantasies are starting to come true! i am the queen of ardmore place.

getting married was the best thing that ever happened. the day was exactly perfect and everything i dreamed that my wedding would ever be. that morning. i woke up around 8:30 and showered. it took me until about 11:30 to get totally ready then miriam took a few pictures of me.

at 12 she, lindsay and i took my mom's car to provo where roody was getting ready.  here's our first looks at each other in our wedding get ups :)

then we set out on the long trip to manti :) when we got there, we took pictures for about an hour.  it was way hotter than i thought it was going to be. end of october and almost 80 degrees!!

it was a truly sweet experience, having traveled so far to be at this special temple when there are so many temples so much closer. after an hour of the couple shots, the rest of the wedding party came (photos to follow) some people were late (i should have planned for that....) so we were a little rushed getting them all done, but the bride and groom got inside on time. my mom came in with me. as we were walking in the temple, i was overcome with emotion. the weight and the reality and the beauty of what was about to happen just hit me. after getting our recommends checked and our records verified,  they escorted us to the brides' room and roody went downstairs to change. my mom and i shared a sweet moment. she was remembering the day over 35 years ago that she changed in that very room before marrying my dad. 

after we were both dressed in our ceremonial clothing, there was a bit of instruction about a special moment when roody and i would be together at the veil of the temple. we were escorted into the celestial room of the temple. after completing our ordinance at the veil, we were taken into the sealing room where we met our sealer, bother darrell ober.  he gave us a picture of the manti temple and some instructions about what we would do during the sealing. in every sealing i've attended, the guests are admitted first, then the bride and groom. in manti, the bride and groom are in the room when the guests enter. i was expecting to go into another roon, but instead, they brought the guests to us! there were about 50 people there, including some of my dad's aunts and uncles. the sealer spoke for a long time while roody and i held hands, anxiously awaiting the moment we would kneel at the altar. brother ober talked about what it meant to preside over the family. he told about how when he crosses the street with his wife, they both wave their security flags and look both ways and they hold hands. when the coast is clear and they both feel ready to cross, he squeezes her hand, they cross together and he squeezes her hand when they get to the other side. i loved that! i also loved when he said that husbands should listen to their wives wink wink.  he talked about how significant the ordinance we were to participate in was and what it really meant. 

after a while of talking, we were instructed to go to the altar where we made the most important covenant possible on earth. we held hands across the altar and i have never felt so happy in my life. i couldn't stop smiling. i felt so blessed to have found this amazing person and that he feels the same thing about me!! what an amazing miracle. 

after we both said yes, we exchanged rings, greeted our guests and then went to change again. it was the perfect day. 

after the sealing, we went to the bed and breakfast that my mom had reserved for us.  the old lady there gave us a tour of the whole place and i just wanted to tell her to leave us alone and let us eat our cold chicken in our room. lol but i didn't. she set us up a fancy table at which to eat our leftovers and she warmed them in the oven. there was a window right next to the table with lace curtains. mounted on the window frame was a tiny candle in a brass candle holder. we both looked at it and made some comment about how if the candle were lit, the whole place would burn down. then the old lady suggested we light the candle and we both looked at each other and laughed.  so she lit the candle and the house didn't burn down. she gave us a bottle of sparkling cider and two fancy cups. she also gave us a carafe of water to have in our room. the water had essential oils infused in it. it tasted weird.  

the next morning we had breakfast with all of the other b&b guests. and the old lady let slip that the bath tub in our room is her and her husband's favorite. thoroughly creeped out.  after check out,  we drove back to my parents' house and helped get everything decorated for the celebration. 

it looked absolutely amazing. and it was so absolutely fun. it was absolutely perfect. i loved having the ceremony and celebration on separate days. it was so laid back. i was the first person ready on both days lol. the dancing at the end of the celebration was amazingly fun. it was seriously everything i ever wanted it to be and more. and i got to marry a man is way beyond what i ever expected. he motivates me to be my best self, yet he accepts me for exactly who i am. he loves me unconditionally and has proven it again and again. 

yesterday morning i was sad about something and told roody about it. then i asked him what he was feeling. he asked how should he be feeling and i gave him a few examples of what i thought he could be feeling. his answer was none of the ones i thought he would give. then he sung  a line to one of our favorite songs, "cuz i'm happyyyyy." 
"why do you feel happy right now?" i was surprised.
"because i have you."
he hugged me tight and i just started crying. perfect answer. 

i love you, roody!!

Tuesday, May 20, 2014


this year, one of my new years resolutions was to read ten books. i have read three and i am about 60 pages into #4. i thought i would do a cool thing and fancy myself a critic and review the literature that i have read. i am also looking for book recommendations so feel free to share! 

my first book this year was pride and prejudice by jane austen. this one has been on my list for a long time. believe it or not, i have NEVER read it!! i LOVED it. mr. collins is almost unbearable in the book. i felt elizabeth's hatred for mr. darcy so completely reading her thoughts. watching the movie you just don't get that! and the profundity of their their love was much more powerful than any film version i have ever seen. i also felt like movies don't do justice to how much time it takes for elizabeth and jane to get their happily ever after. it's not 30 minutes. it's about a year. 

ok, enough comparing books and movies. 

pride and prejudice is a masterpiece. it is almost completely character-driven. elizabeth is such a brilliant character that she carries the whole story line. the plot is excellent but it wouldn't work with, let's say, jane, as the main character because she is too boring. she never has anything bad to say about anyone. people naturally think negative thoughts about other people. they are suspicious, judgmental, and sensitive, and elizabeth brings all that out. plus amazing one liners like, "From the first moment I met you, your arrogance and conceit, your selfish disdain for the feelings of others made me realize that you were the last man in the world I could ever be prevailed upon to marry." HAHAHA! she is fantastic. she is the queen of this book. 

i also enjoyed the ridiculousness of lydia while reading the book. she is insane. (i'm gonna compare the movie again!) in the movie, i kinda felt like they are making a bigger deal than necessary of lydia's elopement. but it really was incredibly scandalous. even in 2014, people refrain from staying in hotels without being married. imagine 18whatever year it was. the gravity of her foolishness is much weightier when you get all the details from lizzie. 

basically, i loved p&p. i totally recommend it to any and everyone. 

Monday, April 14, 2014


and i can see again as the silhouette of your night skin ripples into focus and you are no more a nighttime imagination. and i can breath again as i touch your velvet hand releasing your dream perfume in incense eddies to the stars. and i can live again as i taste your marshmallow mouth and electric life-white shocks telegraph morse code messages to my bones.

Sunday, March 23, 2014

the wrong road

"...It was dusk, and we had only gone a bumpy mile or two when we came to a fork in the road. We stopped. Dad was not certain which trail we had come in on. He knew he had to make the right decision. There wasn’t much light left, light he desperately needed to ensure he could make the correct turns the rest of the way home...As we did whenever we had a family problem or concern, we prayed. After we both said amen, Dad turned and asked me what I thought we should do. I answered and said, “All during the prayer, I just kept feeling, ‘Go to the left.’”Dad responded, “I had the exact same impression.”This was my first experience receiving and recognizing revelation.We started down the dirt road to the left. We had traveled only about 10 minutes when our road came to a sudden dead-end. My father promptly whipped the truck around, roared back to that fork in the path, and started down the road to the right. Fortunately, there was still just enough light to help us navigate the web of dirt roads that would take us home.We were almost back to St. George, now on roads my father knew well, and the thick darkness of the night was lit by pinholes of thousands of stars.I was troubled. With my head resting on my dad’s leg and my legs stretched across the seat, I asked, “Dad, why did we both feel like Heavenly Father told us to go down the road to the left when it was the wrong road?”My dad said, “Matty, I’ve been thinking and silently praying about that same thing all the way home, because I really did feel a very distinct impression to take the road to the left.”I was relieved that my first experience with revelation had a “second witness.”He continued, “The Lord has taught us an important lesson today. Because we were prompted to take the road to the left, we quickly discovered which one was the right one. When we turned around and got on the right road, I was able to travel along its many unfamiliar twists and turnoffs perfectly confident I was headed in the right direction.“If we had started on the right road, we might have driven for 30 minutes or so, become uneasy with the unfamiliar surroundings, and been tempted to turn back. If we had done that, we would have discovered the dead-end so late that it would have been too dark to find our way back in totally unfamiliar territory...” -matthew holland

by now i am sure that everyone has heard this story, or seen the mormon message for it. for anyone who knows anything about what has been going on in my life the last few months, you might understand why this story has been particularly poignant for me. the first time i heard it was in 2010 in a sunday school class and i thought back then that it was touching and inspiring. 
my patriarchal blessing says something to the extent of "you will be successful in every element of this life that you were placed here to do." in essence, it means that any time i am not successful, i'm going down the wrong road! so when one relationship ended, it wasn't the right road! when i didn't get the job at roseman with my parents that i was 100% SUUUURE i was going to get, it wasn't the right road! 
when i met roody and everything went perfectly (successfully) it meant it was the right road. in the last week i have applied at three dental practices to work as an assistant and every one of them has given me a positive response, and i take that to mean that this is the right road for me now :) 
[i am very excited about my three practices. one is in park city. it's a tiny FFS office with three operatories and they are only open about three days a week. the second one is the total opposite. it's a huge company with 4 locations and enough staff to populate a small city. it's a super stable job with benefits and great hours. the third one is somewhere in between. a smallish office with one doctor open four days a week. I have a working interview with the big one tomorrow and the medium one the day after tomorrow.]
i also start serving at toscano tomorrow (i have been working there as a hostess for the last two months). as soon as i got rejected from roseman, i started looking elsewhere and all of the sudden i have almost more than i can handle! it's great. it's gonna be quite a transition, but i am sure i can handle it. :) 
so to sum up: my life is perfect right now. and i eat meat again! which is really weird. but tasty... (don't tell anyone i said that.) 

today i counted: the number of uuuuuuhmms that were said during a sacrament talk. (29)
today i got my heart melted hearing: spencer say "bye gramma! i love you!"
today i wished: that i could make everyone's choices for them. 
today i got teared up: thinking about where i was two years ago and how much i miss it. and it just happened again. 

Sunday, March 2, 2014



you may know that around thanksgiving of last year i suffered a terrible blow learning that my fiancee (at the time) had been cheating on me. i also learned that a dear relative of mine who was married with (i think) five children had been victim of this same plague. i knew toooo many peoplel with this same story (which was now mine also) that i lost my faith in men entirely. then i met someone on LDS singles. we met in person, he was great, we started dating, then he dumped me after three days of a relationship. that was the last straw! i decided that all men (except my brothers, dad, and brother in law)  were worthless scum who could all go die and i swore myself to the life of a nun.

on monday, january 6, i got a message on LDS singles from a really cute guy. i replied and even agreed to go out with him that friday. i knew he was going to be like every other guy anyway so i had nothing to gain or lose. i was positive that it wouldn't go anywhere.

well our first date was really good. he was a really nice guy, but i honestly didn't think anything would come of it. the next day i was in salt lake (where he lives) with a friend and i surprisingly wanted to see that guy again! so i made it work and i started thinking that maybe he was a good guy, but maybe he wasn't and he was a lying piece of trash like AAALLLLLLL other men and he was just tricking me.

**fast forward!** well, two months later, roody is not a lying piece of junk. he is actually really awesome. he's SO awesome, in fact, that he is the last guy that will ever have the privilege of calling himself my boyfriend. yesterday, he called my dad and asked for his blessing for our marriage, to which my father agreed (i assume enthusiastically). roody was so excited to tell me that he took the trax from salt lake to draper so he could tell me in person. we celebrated with some sparkling cider :)

so for all intensive purposes (LOL) i am engaged! but we are waiting until roody does something awesome and surprisey for the actual proposal and ring bestowal until it's FBOFFICIAL--which is the only kind of official that matters anymore, you know.

so now that the mushy stuff is out of the way, let's get down to the neetty greetty. 

we have decided to wait until miriam is home from her mission to get married, so we are looking at friday, october 24 as our wedding date. we are planning to be sealed in the manti temple, just like my cute parents. we will have the reception at my parents' house the following day. please SAVE THE DATE and make the necessary preparations! i want our family and friends to share this special day with us. also, i would appreciate opinions on having/ not having an open house in henderson/ las vegas.

this time it's happening :)  

thank you ROODY!! you are the greatest thing that ever happened and i love you!!!

Friday, January 17, 2014


i wanna get my new year's resolutions written down:

1. read the Book of Mormon twice
2. run three 10k's
3. get into graduate school
4.  read 10 books
5.  travel somewhere i have never been

i'll stick to those five, though there could definitely be others.... i want 2014 to be the best year of my life. so far, it is off to a really amazing start. granted, picking up the pieces from 2013 can't all be done in one month. but i figured out what i want to do with my life.

the other day, i was frantically scrambling to get my application submitted to UW for fall semester. the deadline was approaching and i was sure i wasn't going to make it. meltdown! so i just stopped for a minute.
"what do you want?"
"i don't know..."
all of the sudden i was a drill sergeant
"I WANT TO BE AN ARCHITECT, SIR!" yelled through sobs
"I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" spit spattered private hillary's face
"WHY?!" drill sergeant hillary was right in private hillary's face
"BECAUSE ARCHITECTURE IS MY PASSION, SIR!" private hillary started gaining her footing
"AND WHAT IS IT GOING TO TAKE TO GET THERE?!"a bead of sweat rolled down the sergeant's face

and i went to my life planning mirror with my whiteboard marker. on the right hand side i wrote ARCHITECT. to the left of that i wrote "3 year degree- where?!" to the left of that i wrote "better GRE score, CAD training, better portfolio, letters of recommendation, $$$"

and there it was-- my flow chart of how to get from where i am now, to where i want to be.

and i FINALLY realized the one thing above everything was making me so frustrated. it was


when i didn't get my application into UW for 2014, that meant that i wouldn't be able to start until 2015, which in turn meant that my graduation wouldn't be until 2018. i would be almost 30. why did i care so much about being 30 before i got my master's degree? why did that one little factor lead me to internal WWIII? what is my problem with aging???

i guess it comes down to something surprisingly upbeat. my life is awesome. yeah, it's had REALLLLLY crappy moments. yeah, i've done REALLLLY dumb stuff. but i am so happy to be me, to be where i am, to have the friends and family that i have. in the end, i am afraid of getting older because i am afraid of things not being as awesome as they are now! i regret a couple things, but i hope that they will help me be a good mother and teach my children to be better than i was.

so 1988 can stop haunting me because i choose to accept where i am. i choose to accept that i might be 29 or 30 before i get my master's degree. it's not a big deal! it only seems like it cuz i compare myself sometimes. you know, "ALL" my friends from high school are getting theirs and "ALL" my friends from byu are married and have 6 kids. WHO CARES?! i am me. my life is mine and it's fabulous.

today i am going: to salt lake 
today i woke up: after dreaming about a jacuzzi
today i ate: coco puffs and don't regret it at all
today i vacuumed: and admired the stripes in the carpet


i met february this january.
i'd lived with dark december so long
that i almost missed laughing april
not far behind february's outstretched hand.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

The Old Man an the Stilettos

this is a short story i wrote for my creative writing class and i wanted it permanently on the interweb

The outlines of the pumps in his sloppy messenger bag were clearly visible. Suzette followed her co-worker out of the shop and into the evening bustle of Rue Jean Rey. Smacking her gum unconsciously, she kept her distance, but made sure not to lose sight of the crown that peeked through on the top of Gautier's dark hair. 
There had to be some explanation for this! He wasn't married, had no daughters, no nieces old enough for those shoes, and it was unlikely that he had a girlfriend. They approached the kind of complex that Gautier looked like he belonged in, and sure enough he started up the stairs. Suzette stopped just before reaching the stoop of his building and pretended to tie her shoe. Seconds after he entered, she followed.
Pausing at the base of a staircase, she listened to hear the jingle of keys. She still heard his footsteps. Suzette raced up the stairs ever so quietly. As she stepped off the landing at the third floor, she saw Gautier inserting his keys into the lock. Thinking on her toes, Suzette grabbed the wad of gum from her mouth, and, timing it ever so perfectly, walked past Gautier as he opened the door, cramming the enormous ball into the strike plate. She continued down the hall causally.
She heard the door shut, and turned back around. She had to know what he was doing with those shoes! It was strange enough that he worked for Christian Louboutin, but to steal the shoes….? She peaked through the small window in the middle of the door to his apartment. He was not in sight. Did she dare? She pushed the door. The gum had done its trick; the door opened effortlessly.
Suzette was struck by the design of Gautier's apartment. What taste! The Le Corbusier furniture, the oriental rugs; it looked like a spread from a magazine. Gautier’s bag was placed neatly on the lower shelf of a narrow table in the entryway, but the purple satin stilettos were missing from it... Suzette heard Gautier flip on the TV in the kitchen, buying her plenty of time. Her natural curiosity overtook her and she poked her freckled face into the front closet. 
Suzette’s eyes nearly popped out of her head. Lining the floor of his closet, surrounded with fluorescent up lighting and in immaculate order, were over twenty pairs of the famous red-soled Louboutin heels. 
The sound of a chair scooting back from the table in the kitchen! Suzette jumped into the shoe closet and watched. Unless her ears deceived her, it sounded like a woman in heels was clomping toward her over the oak floor. As Gautier came around the corner, she saw the last thing she expected to see. The balding, pudgy, sweat-stained, greasy guy that she had worked with for years was walking around his flat in a pair of $700 shoes with his pants rolled up to admire them! 
Gautier belched as he went into his bedroom. Suzette waited for a moment to be sure that she could get out of the closet and leave without him noticing. As she began to leave however, she saw a photo album and a Polaroid camera on the top shelf. Quietly she pulled them down. The album was full of nothing but page after page of Gautier’s legs wearing each pair of these shoes. He had to have more of the shoes stored somewhere- there were so many pairs. Suzette recognized some of the shoes from years ago. 
She bent down, looking at the beautiful footwear. There was a bow askew on one of the shoes. Another was missing a buckle. As Suzette scavenged, she realized that all of the shoes had some sort of flaw, but none of these mistakes were accidents. Gautier must have purposely marred the shoes so that he could take the imperfect ones home! She nearly laughed out loud. 

Figuring there were no more questions to ask in this closet, Suzette stepped out cautiously. Without the noise of the TV, she was aware of how loud every sound was. As she turned to leave again, an idea struck her. She stepped into one of her favorite pairs of zebra-stripped heels. Pulling out the Polaroid, she snapped a picture of her legs, wincing at the deafening volume of the camera’s shutter. Gautier hadn’t seemed to notice. Suzette slipped the photo into the album, and she slipped out the door, laughing to herself. 

look at the stars

roll down the windows and look at the glass stars.
open your nostrils wide. inhale and
our perfume will condense inside.
down the rabbit hole, holding hands,
years of black mystery break the fall.

Friday, January 10, 2014


just in time
(emerging from the earthen rubble,
repairing, mending, stitching, glittering,
ending despair with a single golden thread
most often called "love")
you thread your needle and close the wounds.

charity never faileth

i. am. BACK. 

my lovely and wonderful big sis, vanessa, told me a few weeks ago that she missed my blogs. the truth is i haven't written since i finished my mission because i haven't been happy since i finished my mission. (don't feel bad for me. don't worry about me. don't talk about me with your souse. don't ask if you can do anything to help.) but the truth is, i have missed writing. and i think it would be healthy for me to do more of it.

leaving the mission field was the second hardest thing that's ever happened to me. (the winner of worst experience of my life award happened 18 months later and will be discussed in detail shortly) i never understood why RM's were so weird until i went through it.

here's what happens when you finish your mission:

  • you are forced to leave a beautiful foreign country. 
  • you have to speak english. and you have to talk about something other than the gospel.
  • you leave people who have changed your life.
  • you have to plan your life. it's not done for you.
  • you think about yourself and what YOU want and what YOU want to become. 
  • you wonder what your life has even amounted to.
  • you have no clue who you are anymore because you lost yourself in the service. 
  • you miss desperately the one worthwhile activity you have ever participated in.
  • you spend 18 months figuring out how to be a missionary and once you do, it's taken away from you. like a lollipop from a kid. 

when i got back from my mission, i had no school to attend, no job to perform, no boyfriend to marry, my family moved, my city was no longer my city, i had gained 30 lbs, and i had no direction at all. just faint, ghosty dreams of becoming an architect.

when my parents needed another employee at their office, i took the job. i love my parents and i couldn't not help them when they have done everything for me. i enjoyed my job at the office immensely. i even considered dentistry for a while!

when i started dating karim against my better judgement everything started to badly. he brought a very negative light into my life, but i wanted to be fair and give him a chance. i tried to assume the good and doubt the bad. but the darkness he brought into my life spread slowly like a fog. until the time we decided to get married. i had a very good and very positive spiritual experience confirming that there was more for us. of course the feeling that there was more never said that it was marriage. i did everything i could to convince every person i know that he was good and he was the one for me. it worked for a while.

then i quit my job at the office and moved to italy and ireland to start our life together. his behavior was out of control unacceptable at this point. i was trying to figure out a way out, but i didn't want to give up on him. i knew there was something good inside. it was just buried really deep (still is! haha!)

when i came home and found out that he had been with another girl, most of me died. months and months i worked to convince everyone (including myself) that he was worth all of the sacrifices i was making, all the time and money i spent on him, all the love i had forced into fruition so that he could, for once in his life, feel loved and important. he threw it in the toilet, took a dump on it and flushed it all away. probably while laughing.

i still feel hurt, angry, betrayed and all the other bad things you can imagine. it's been since thanksgiving.

here's the part where i'm supposed to say BUT and then list all the wonderful things i've learned and how faith promoting this has been.

i hope you can handle the disappointment, dear reader!

i feel like what i have learned is that not all people are good, that not everyone is trustworthy. some people don't know how to treat others. some people can lie to your face while smiling. some people can weave webs with their friends and associates to keep you thinking that something is true. some people will go to great lengths to keep their dirty lives secret. and now, thanks to him, i suspect everyone of being capable of his same crimes. that's the worst part of the whole situation. that i got infected with his disease. 

ok now i can give you your big BUT. :)

this experience and others have lead to a lot of reflection on the life of Christ. how would Christ have handled this situation? what would Christ say to someone who cheated on Him then lied for four months? how would Christ treat someone who treated him the way they treated me?

the answer to all of these questions (and infinite others...) is that He would show them LOVE. Christ understands the hearts of these people. He gets why they treat others like garbage and what happened in their brains to them that made them mess up to heinously.

i have thought about kindness. like was i too nice? was i too generous? why did i let myself get taken advantage of? that's probably the number one question. then i realized this and i think it's true.

people get so mad about being "taken advantage of"but think about our Exemplar. how many times was He "taken advantage of?" how many people "screwed Him over"? how many people lied to Him, hated Him, mocked Him, beat Him, spat on Him, killed Him? it kinda makes everything seem less important. not any less painful, just less consequential.

so my conclusion is this: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS SHOWING TOO MUCH LOVE. if someone takes advantage of you, it's their sin not yours. if someone doesn't treat you the way you want or deserve to be treated, it's their sin, not yours. our job is spread peace, love and charity the way Christ did. no ulterior motives, no "what's in for me?",  no fear that it will be rejected, no mind whether it makes us vulnerable and we get "taken advantage of". yes, it can be painful. yes, it can be sad. but in the end, my conscience is clear. my relationship with Heavenly Father is intact. i put my heart and soul into loving someone who i thought deserved it. if my accused crime is being too loving or trying to show the pure love of Christ with all my heart, might, mind, and strength, i plead guilty.

[in closing, i repeat the warning from before: don't feel bad for me. don't worry about me. don't talk about me with your souse. don't ask if you can do anything to help. someone upstairs got dis wigga's back.]

today i tried to: leave the house before sunset
today i congratulated: the guy on the treadmill next to me for finishing a 10 minute mile 
today i bought: the biggest container of ice cream that wal-mart sells
today i started: over