Tuesday, September 28, 2010

i shall esablish zion

six months ago i was in a drastically different place than i am now. then i got the impression to end things with giulio and i somehow knew that i was being prepared for something. i rejected the idea of a mission for the remainder of winter semester, all of spring term, and most of summer. until one day when i was in the bapistry at the provo temple. i had a conversation with my Heavenly Father that went something like this:
hillary: "so, i am planning on graduating in august. then i want to take a year off to work before i start my masters program next august. what do you think?" of course i was like a puppy expecting a treat for going potty outside.
Heavenly Father: "that sounds good. but you can do better."
hillary: "....really? i mean i really want to be an architect, and i LOVE my job..." i could feel these seven letters sneaking up on me...... m  i  s   s  i  o   n
hillary: "so what if i went on a mission?"
Heavenly Father: "there you go :)" and i'm sure He would have put :) if this were a text message.

i was in the temple with my friend vanessa oler. she leaned over to me a few minutes later and said, "soooo i think i'm going on a mission."
"hey! me too!"
so we kept each others' secrets for a while. actually a good long while. i think it was over a month. then i was being gently but consistently beaten by the prompting to get started and talk to my bishop. so i set up the appointment. the bishop's interview went something like this:
bishop (grinning from ear to ear): "so are you just so excited to get started on your mission?"
hillary: "actually i don't know if i would say excited yet. i'm really scared. but i know it's what i'm supposed to be doing it, so i'm doing it."
bishop (obviously let down): "ok i wanchu to take this week, fast about it and come back next week."

the next week...
bishop: "so what do you think?"
hillary:  "let's do it!"

five weeks later a text from my bishop says, "your call was sent out today and you will have it by wednesday." getting the mission call is like auditioning for american idol. you really have to sell yourself and you have to go through judge after judge before finally getting to simon, randy and paula. anyway i clearly got the golden ticket. the next wednesday, i was riding my bike home from work when i remembered that MY CALL WAS IN THE MAIL. i rushed over the apartment; i had already stashed the mail key in my suitcasepurse. i opened the mailbox and there it was!!! ok where to go where to go.... i picked a spot on campus because i wanted to be alone, and it was close. i knelt down and said the quickest prayer i could and then nervously turned to the big white envoloped addressed to sister ashman (whoever that is). i made myself read the entire opening paragraph. three days earlier i had the feeling that it was going to be italy, but as i read every line, i told myself not to get my hopes up. then i read "Italy, Rome mission." WAHOOOO!!!! i started laughing and crying and saying "thank you! thank you! thank you!" i realized that i didn't have my phone with me so i jumped back on electra (my bike) and rushed back to the restaurant where i left it. i was crying and laughing and thinking all the way there. i called my entire family and told them and everyone was ecstatic.

so that was about a month and a half ago. i can feel things trying to frustrate me from going. i have had a few blips on the screen of things that might keep from going, or delay my departure. details not necessary, they have all been spiritually steamrollered from becoming a stumbling block in my way. the other day i was climbing into bed and remembered that i hadn't read a word from the Book of Mormon yet and it is my goal to read from that book everyday. i read one verse: 3 Nephi 21:1 I "shall establish again among them my Zion." this is what i learned: zion will be established, in the literal sense and in my personal life. God will establish zion among all the elements of my life because no unhallowed hand can stop the work from progressing. i will feel the beauty of zion in my life because God will establish it. everything in my life has pointed me to the mission, i just didn't know it. i went to italy when i was 15, thus igniting the flame for all things italy. because of that trip, i studied italian with the goal to return and live there. i have dated lots of guys with no results.  i lost over 150 lbs never thinking about how it would affect me as a missionary. i graduated by pulling some strings right at the right moment. i found this italian mecca at gloria's where i have been supported and been able to practice my italian everyday. in six weeks i leave for the MTC with nothing holding me back. no boys, no school, no health issues, no axiety about the culture or lifestyle, no fears or doubts at all.

i received my endowment a few days ago, and i feel so changed. i want everyone in the world to feel the peace and love and happiness, in essence the zion, that has been established in my life. as i sat in the celestial foom after the ceremony i had the opportunity to open my mind to any promptings the Spirit would give me. "go and serve your mission. don't let anything distract you. va a cambiare il mondo."

ce la fo.

today i wished: that i could have my boyfriend back
today i nearly gagged: when i was getting my teeth polished
today i relyed on: my spare spool of floss that i keep in my purse
today i still can't decide: what i want to be for halloween

autumn

And suddenly it's autumn
And the endless sweaty days have melted into
Crunchy leaves and cider
And you have melted into memories
Like the starlight from a distant constellation.
Your breath hangs on the air
Like the drifting leaves
Your kiss on my lips like dew.

I once chased the hot nights
Flying behind them on light summerwings-
But they find themselves sadly replaced
By scarves and sweaters
Cold and candy corn
Autumn and the feeling of being alone.

Wake me up if the sun changes his mind
And gives me back my lemondrop summer
And gives me back my lemondrop you.
My summerwings groan longing for one last flight together.

Friday, September 3, 2010

thoughtgarden

you wait,
as i daydream in the sand,
at the place where
i lose control
of my thoughts
and they break free from their cocoons,
new butterflies
called dreams.
you skip through my thoughtgarden,
leaving your fresh scent
like the overtones of a well-aged wine,
and i drink it up,
every drop,
breath by breath.

you wait,
as i daydream in my bed,
at the place where the earth
loses control
of the light
and the sun slides below the flat blue horizon
and the stars yawn
wiping sleep from their eyes
creeping from their cocoons
new butterflies of light.
you skip through the constellations
scattering light with each footstep.

in this moment
where you wait
between awake and asleep
day and night
yesterday and eternity
i am infinite
and you are still out of reach.