Sunday, May 23, 2010


this poem had a couple of inpirations: one was amanda rodriguez telling me about her play that she is writing and how so and so dies, and i just thought, i don't know anything about death. the only person close to me to pass away was my grandfather, but i still am not too acquainted with the grieving process. but i am acquainted with the death of old selves.
hymn 171
as i walk daily here on earth,
give me Thy Spirit as i seek
a change of heart, another birth,
and grow dear Lord to be like thee.

the new birth talked about in this hymn implies a death, a repentance. so here's my poem about death that i do know.

i've never met Death 
draped in black
scythe, menacing, outstretched 
to take away my life.

i've never met Death
the missionary of change
coming to transport me 
to another time and place
in his cold hands.

i've never met Death
but if he stood at my door
i would welcome him in and 
ask him to do his magic
and take away my life. 

ye shall stand still in jordan

sunday school lesson by kristy ashworth changed my life today....

as might have been evident, the last about 6 months of my life have been really hard, ever since I got home from heaven (i mean siena) until about a month ago. coincidentally that all coincides with the time that i was prompted to cut off all ties from THE LOVE OF MY LIFE, giulio (sarcasm there). but kristy's lesson really inspired me. but i have to explain my life for the last few months for the whole thing to make sense.
giulio was a great guy and i loved talking to him, but i knew from the beginning that he wasn't good for me spiritually. april 11 i was praying when suddenly i had the very strong and undeniable impression that i needed to stop all communication with giulio once and for all. when i started going with him back in september last year, i thought it probably wasn't the best idea. i let it go on with that idea in the back of my mind for six months. my immediate reaction to the impression to cut off communication was "no. no no no no. i can't" i said over and over. then i had four horrible days. i had the reaffirmation that i knew it needed to happen repeatedly. april 15 (vanessa's birthday/ tax day--the first time i did taxes by myself!) he texted me after moving himself back to albania. i called him while i was sitting outside and i knew it had to be done. i had to end the longest relationship i had ever had. we talked for about 20 minutes before i finally had to do it. he said i seemed kinda down and asked if there was a reason. i asked him if he believed in personal revelation, or that God spoke directly to us. he said he did and we talked about destiny and the will of God so that made this a lot easier for me. i told him that i had a feeling that we needed to stop talking and he said why. i explained that i didn't know why, that maybe i was supposed to go on a mission.

but then the miracle happened: giulio was more than understanding. he understood what i was telling him better than i did. he said it was inevitable and that we were carrying on like we were a couple but we were on different continents. he said in five years he hoped that he could call me up and see how i was doing. he was great, and that alone was a testament that i was doing the right thing. i was bawling, but he was so composed and understanding. as soon as i got off the phone i was crying uncontrollably but as soon as i got over it, took some deep breaths i went to finish my taxes and i haven't talked to him since. but i have been unexplainably happy, despite the occasional heartache from missing him (and from when i think about the free gelato he gave me.) ps. if i've been unusually sharp or rude since i got back from italy to anyone, this whole thing is probably why.... so sorry.

miracles that have happened since giulio and i broke up:
1. i got A's in all my classes this semester
2. i went on a life changing camping trip
3. disneyland trip with my family
4. i lost an iphone and got a new one for free (that's another story for another time)
5. got an AMAZING job at gloria's little italy

so here's where the sunday school lesson comes in. we were reading in joshua.  kristy had us read this verse:
8 And thou shalt command the priests that bear the ark of the covenant, saying, When ye are come to the brink of the water of Jordan, ye shall stand still in Jordan.

she asked if we have ever had the instruction from God to go into the river and stand still. and i thought 'yes.' "hillary, end all communication with giulio. you've had your fun, it's time to grow up." ok... then what? and why?

read on for more:

16 That the awaters which came down from babove cstood and rose up upon an dheap very far from the city Adam, that is beside Zaretan: and those that came down toward the sea of the plain, even ethe salt sea, failed, and were cut off: and the people passed over right against Jericho.

  17 And the priests that bare the ark of the covenant of the Lord stood firm on adry ground in the midst of Jordan, and all the Israelites passed over on dry ground, until all the people were passed clean over Jordan.

the people passed over on dry ground to the city of jericho. GOD REMOVED THE WATER FROM THE JORDAN RIVER AND THE PEOPLE PASSED OVER. God told them to go into the river and wait then he performed the miracle. when the people got to the other side of the river, they raised their ebenezer to remember the miracle. and so i now raise my ebenezer to my Savior. i am writing this to remember all of the love that surrounds me everyday, and to remind everyone else of the miracles that God will perform in the life of a regular girl, and that are possible for your life too.

was anything that happened to me after i stood in the river and waited less than a miracle? i dare say everything that has been happening to me in the last five weeks since the break-up has been positively miraculous. i had no idea why i needed to stop contact with this amazing man, and i still don't, but all the things that have transpired since reaffirm that i did the right thing. i know it. what an amazing gospel! i am so grateful for personal revelation, even and especially when God is kinda angry and telling you to grow up and move on. and i have never been happier in my life. God is there. if you start down the wrong way, God in his infinite wisdom and love, will not let you go far before warning you. stand in the river and wait for the miracle no matter how long it takes.

today i changed: the fish's water for a dollar
today i seriously contemplated: getting a secret dog. (still thinking about this puggle...HE'S FREE)
today i couldn't get enough: josh groban alla luce del sole
today i want: everything to not be important except work ;) 

Friday, May 7, 2010


All her ducks in a row

She tears off scraps of bread

To feed the ducks that move so slow

And she wonders why a creature that can fly

Would waddle and wade

In the murky pond,

Like she did

Before you.

A bald eagle would never wade,

He only floats and soars and flies,

Like she did

When you came

And changed her content ducks

Into singing eagles.

She stands on the dock,

Light as the wind,

Watching the black and white blur

In his quest for something

That her heart echoes.

St. Mark’s Square’s famous pigeons

Sit stupid on the cobbles,

Like she did

When you left,

Unaware of what happened

Or what would happen.

Now stupid on the ground,

All she wants is someone

Who will run through the flock

And disturb the mindlessness a little.