Sunday, March 29, 2009

joy in the journey. literally.

"when i was desperately lonely and blue, i learned that our life is like a land journey too even and easy and dull over long distances across the plains, to hard and painful over the steep grades; but on the summits of the mountain, you have a magnificent view and feel exalted--and your eyes are full of happy tears--and you want to sing--and you wish you had wings! and then--you can't stay there but must continue your journey. you begin the climb down the other side, so busy with your footholds that your summit experience is forgotten."
--lloyd douglas

one of my classmates mentioned that people in blogs are fake, that their lives in blogworld are perfect and they only show the best things that happen. i dont want to be fake in my blog, but more i dont ever want to be dishonest about who i am at all. crazy things happen, like i found a flight to rome for $634 and i didnt get it. now its gone. :( but i really think that i will be able to find another steal of a deal before i go. i guess what im trying to say is, im not going to dwell on the bad things that happen to me when there is beauty all around

alright, enough with being deep. i need help! all you wonderful people in oregon, i know you read this! i am in need of a huge favor. my flight to alaska flies out of seattle. i really want to drive to seattle (via oregon of course!!) to visit all of my northwest people that i never get to see. here's the catch: if i drive up, i will need somewhere to store my car for 8ish months (i don't get to go home between alaska and italy...) so heres my thought i drive up to oregon to visit and and then take someone with me to seattle. this illustrious voltunteer will drive my car back to oregon, then do what they will with my baby for 7 or 8 months (i get back from italy early december and fly into seattle) any takers? let me know ;)


today i wanna sing: quit playing games with my heart
today i am in need of: lotion
today i am anxious about: weighing in
today i wish i was: snorkeling at catalina island 

Thursday, March 26, 2009

the very soul

and it came to pass when they heard this voice, and beheld that it was not a voice of thunder, neither was it a voice of great tumultuous noise, but behold it was a still voice of perfect mildness, as if it had been a whisper, and it did pierce even to the very soul. --helaman 5: 30 

i've never read a scripture that so perfectly described me. this is exactly what happened to me tuesday. i'm so excited for this summer, and i think it will help me lose weight better than dc would have. 
well i have basically lost any faith i had in men. ive been played so often that i just dont want to have anything to do with anyone, and guys continue to think its ok to play with my heart. its not. in marriage prep my professor was talking about how the husband should take out the garbage because he loves his wife, not because he is supposed to, and he should plan weekly dates, and always keep his wife at top priority, and other little things. i REALLY REALLY want to have a great family. that is seriously my number 1 goal in my whole life. i've seen so many families smashed to smithereens and i REFUSE  to let that happen to my family. but where in the world am i supposed to find a guy that i love, the loves me, that has a testimony, that is straight, that feels as strongly as i do about families and is willing to work as hard as i am? today i just dont think its possible. i've had so many shoddy experiences that i wish there was one guy who could refresh my hope in humanity. some day i will find him, but not today
if everything was created spiritually first, doesn't it make sense that i could create a reality in my head and then see it unfold in my life? petrarca seemed to think so. 

speaking of italians, i was very proud of myself that i could translate my italian computer for trevor (i set my whole computer and internet to read in italian ["ok" is really the only thing that translated] so instead of "history" on my web browser, it says "cronologia")

today i was amazed: that i know so little about my own computer
today i wondered: how many people are creeps who read my blog without admitting it
today for the first time in my life: i hopped over a chainlink fence
today i was thrilled: to not be a freshman

Wednesday, March 25, 2009


today i woke up on the right side of the bed. i was happy from the beginning and stayed feeling good all day. i spent a lot of the day with people i wish that i saw more often.

 my theatre class was awesome. we watched a lot of clips off youtube. we have started learning about modern american muscial theatre and how it has been the most successful genre of theater ever. my favorite musical that i have ever seen staged is the lion king. i saw it on broadway my senior year of high school and if a today i just learned that julie taymor did the artistic directing. she is responsible for such cinematic masterpieces as moulin rouge and across the universe.
julie taymor is my king midas.

today was a day of service. i helped a lot of students in my lab today. i helped joanna with her laundry. i went shopping with brett. i bought j-dawgs for nick. i listened to eric. i have no doubt that these things are why i feel so happy and blessed right now. i hope these people realize how much more i love them when i serve them than they love me when they are being served.

service is like gardening. its the garden that is being tended, but the gardener, who receives no direct action or change, that gets to partake of the beauty. 

today i really believe: those who cant do, teach
today i indulged: and bought a hot n ready
today i smiled most: when matt wrote to me about cilantro
today i learned: to love

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

mission: accomplished

i had decided to take the job in dc. i was ready to quit my job in alaska. i was planning for the trip, i was craving the money, and then i prayed. i had prayed about this a million times in the last week. i hadn't felt anything so i kept pursuing the route that i had determined. (another one of my life mottoes is that i get what i want--because i make it happen) then this morning, God finally let me know what He wanted. He needs me to go to alaska. now i have to learn about receiving a negative answer to a prayer. i never really have before, and it's rough. i want to go to dc, but i know im supposed to go to alaska. my mom asked if i am at peace with the decision. i am definitely, but that doesn't mean it's what i would have chosen ;) i guess overall i'm just grateful to have the gift of the Holy Ghost, so that i can know what i need to do. i'm so grateful to be lead by my Heavenly Father, and every time i've asked today 'are you sure?' He's said yes.

today i am excited about: seeing miriam's glasses
today i want: to study, study, study and forget about all of this
today i need to: align my will to His
today i was surprised by: how cold and sunny it can be at the same time

Sunday, March 22, 2009

life philosophies and updates

just thought i'd share one of my favorite photos by rodney smith. :D

i was reading some friend's blogs, and found that a lot of people talk about a bunch of deep thoughts, so here's a peak inside my head.
my two life philosophies are: (keep in mind these are things i have come up with all by myself. undoubtedly there are quotes, scriptures, etc that have changed who i am, but these are my creations :D)
1. never say no to another friend
2. the only people/ things that i don't like are the ones i don't know well enough
i love people! and i love becoming culturally literate. for example, when i didn't know what the iliad was, how could i know whether i liked it or not? but now that i've studied achilles and hector in all of thier glory, i love the homeric cycle!

someone who is really deep is my roommate, amanda. (here we are preparing to sleep in my office. [another story for another day...])
i think everyday she has some new nugget of introspective beauty to share with me. amanda's philosophical question of the day: what makes a best friend? for me it's the person that i am happiest around, and the person i miss most when we're apart. but i am interested in what other people think.
ok i don't want this to get too long, but quick life updates:

(for aunt mari:) i am taking a creative writing class for the second time, and since i know the professor now, he asked if i would be interested in writing an article for the church news. i said heck yes! and so i am working on getting published an article for the church humanitarian services about a woman whose life was changed by deseret industries. it's been an incredible experince :D

we got a new counselor in our bishopric today and a new stake pres last week.

i went to visit the wife of our ward's high counsel rep (sister lawton) in the icu today. she didnt look too great, but has definitely improved. it was really sad.

this week is going to be great.

today i lost: the best biore strip contest
today i would call myself: a roman stoic
today i forcast: snow
today i pray for: someone fragile

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Friday nights and personal grooming

i stayed up til 5 this morning.... and still i woke up at 9:30 and feel great. I started talking to brett over homemade orange julius (thanks bretty! SOOOOO good!!) and all of the sudden it was 3:30. then i came home and tried to break in through the window but katelyn was asleep on the couch. it was so funny, i thought she would think i was a murderer, but sadly she was much more cognizant than she should have been and she unlocked the door for me. good times. then the reasons why i stayed up even later: i washed my face, brushed my teeth, flossed, waxed my eyebrows, biored my nose (see below)read my scriptures and tried to get some guidance about this summer. i think i know what i'm going to do. answer 100% secure on tuesday.

i've been reading michael crichton's jurassic park. its way better than the movie and that's saying somethign since that is my favorite movie. k think about the movie, how the cars drive through and there are those big fences. it's different in the book. in the book, the roads are above the reserves and they look over into the animal exhibits. much better idea. anyway, im only about a 100 pages in, but i'll keep you posted on how it goes. 

earlier today i went to debra's house (she's the lady i am working on writing an article about.) i brought my good friend christine who is a professional photographer to take some shots of debra and she did such an incredible job. debra and christine totally hit it off too. what an incredible woman and incredible exerience in general.
i am so grateful.

the semester is almost over

today i could have: eatten less
today i was promised: wedding photography by christine armbruster
today i completed: grading my students' assignments
today i finally feel: appreciated 

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

what the crrrrrrrrrrap??

Or maybe this could be home.....
Oh man, the curves that life throws. I knew something would be coming since everything was going so well. here's what happened: brett told me that his job in DC gurantees $10k a season.
With that money, i wouldnt have to worry about paying for italy at all. They pay travel (i would be driving instead of flying and we'd stop in Nauvoo :D ) i would be with brett, earning bank, getting a tan, learning life skills, going on a cruise, visiting new york, and securing my financial independence all in one summer. for right now, i am totally content not knowing what is going to happen. i am going to wait until i have decided either way and then act!

for aunt debbie: i havent been ignoring you! i just havent had time to write too much. here's the deal. i got a job in alaska for the summer working retail. i sounds super fun and just like a good experience, and all up until wednesday night was just planning on doing that. but now i have been offered this other job in dc, and am waiting to see what i think i should do. i have an appoitment with a career counselor on
monday. what it really comes down to is what will be the best option to facilitate my internship in italy in august? that is the most important thing in my life, that trip to italy (and shoes. shoes are that important too) so im stuck between two good choices, waiting for the lightning bolt to show me what to do.
maybe one of the cities will drop off into the sea in the next 2 days.

other things:
my article for the church news is coming along dandily. ill be photographing debra tomorrow.
i am in love with ray bradbury.

i am applying for a gazillion scholarships.
im going to divine comedy tonight!
i have officailly lost 122 pounds woot woot! (thats a lot.... thats like how much some of my roomies weigh)

ive gotten As on my last three tests (one was a 96% done all on faith)
i love running
i get to go to highland with Lehla today since i get off work early!

tender mercies left and right my friends. tender mercies....

today i would rather be: riding my bike and eating a popsicle
today i am writing: about a man--with a tail!
today could only be better if: some guy was willing to take a chance
today i would love: if the formatting i did to my blog would actually publish....

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Waiting for Godot

Today was great. I have officially run over 6 miles in the last two days in preparation for my 5k on April 4th. :) i am going to run a marathon before i'm 30.

so about the title of my blog "Waiting for Godot": it's the title of an abursdist play written post-WWII. from my text, "Godot may represent God; more generally, though, Godot is anything and everything that human beings wait for during their lives." so this is my life, always waiting for the next good thing, and always doing it with hope.

Today i am grateful for: Ryan McLean's phone charger
today's best achievement was: getting sunburned
today i served: Brett by heart-attacking his car
today i grew closer to: Lehla Kaiser

Monday, March 16, 2009

Ketchican, Alaska

7 weeks from tomorrow, this will be home.

but for today i have plenty to do.
i have my passport, a suitcase and some almonds.
let's go.

today i am thinking about: my theatre test
today i am wearing: purple
today i will: figure out how bill's living room should be set up
today i want: to run far

Friday, March 13, 2009


this year has a lot in store for me :) starting at the end of april i will be away from the continental US for 8 months... because of this, i've decided to start a blog so that i can keep my family and friends posted on what happens to me! since im going to be travleing alone (making friends as i go of course) i figured this would be a good way to keep in touch.

welcome to the new world, hill.

today i am listening to: Paul Cardall on Pandora
today i am reading: First Meetings by Orson Scott Card
today i am craving: sticky rice and yellow curry
today i am feeling: trunky